Monster Soup

2 weeks ago

Life is full of little ironies. None greater than the fact that God decreed that gays must never marry. But then made them such great wedding planners. »Stephen Colbert (via brooklynmutt) (via fuckyeahstephencolbert)

via fuckyeahstephencolbert

3 weeks ago

unf. Will Forte is sexy as fuck. It looks like he’s keeping his short hair, and I approve. I very, very, very much approve.

4 weeks ago

This puppy is an IMPOSTOR! He is NOT Winnie the Pooh!

4 weeks ago

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months warm, happy, and floating…you finish off as an orgasm. »Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, “You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up. »Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts